Revenge on My Kids

Just before the plumber comes over, go poop. Leave it in the toilet for him to find.

Find a video camera and when your kids are wearing unflattering tights, take secret videos of their butts. For added mischief, get someone to hold up banana “horns” next to the butt being filmed.

Take a small little toy with you into the bathroom, like one of your grandkids’ Legos or a chess pawn. After you’ve peed, “accidentally” drop it in. Call The Boy and tell him to please get it out. Suggest disposable chopsticks.

On a Sunday morning, when The Girl is sleeping in past 6 AM, constantly wake her up by tapping her nose, petting her on the head, asking if you can pee, telling her you just peed, whispering in her ear, and asking twice in 1 minute if you can play games on her phone.

Leave a brand new, uncapped tube of toothpaste on the bathroom floor. Cover with a piece of clothing and go to bed. Hopefully The Girl will step on it later and squeeze a golf ball sized gob of toothpaste onto the bathroom floor.

Wear sweaters and jackets outside for about five minutes, then throw them into the dirty laundry. For added insult, throw clean folded clothes in as well. Make sure you time it right so that the items can’t be salvaged and have to be washed again.

When the kids are watching their absolute favorite movies, like you tried to do today with Fellowship of the Ring, make sure you ask them at least 5 questions per 20 seconds, making sure to speed things up when key characters die.

When important discussions are happening or particularly awesome lines are being said, start talking to someone else about farts.

Have yourself a nice, juicy sneeze while you’re chewing on meat and noodles, spraying it all over the carpet. Leave it there and go watch TV.

Pour yourself a nice big glass of milk on the floor. Kick it over accidentally, then throw a small towel on it and leave. Don’t tell The Boy, he can clean it up whenever he happens to find it (or step in it).